Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Do more, do better, be more clear

For the last couple of weeks I've been thinking that my cooking has really been slipping lately. All the dinners have been quick and easy. Then last night Josh mentioned he wants to be more proactive in cooking for us. So I jumped on that and told him, so do I.

Tonight I made herb butter, homemade pasta and gravy. Josh used each of these things, plus meat and pancetta and peas to make dinner. He gave me a list of things he wants to know how to cook for me, and I've been asked to write out the recipes in full for Josh. Apparently when he asks me how to make meals I say things like, "Just braise it/ deglaze the sauce/ simmer it/marinate and then finish it in the oven."

Apparently I assume knowledge that's unknown. Whoops. This is why I bought Josh a present tonight. This book defines all the terms and explains all the basics I take for granted. It even tells you what kinds of pots and pans to use, and when to use different types of salt. I don't buy Josh gifts very often - it's a little intimidating to buy someone who has multiple trusts, a gift. This book though, made him happy. That makes me happy.

Not quite sure why I have been such an ass in not giving Josh proper recipes. If I had, he probably would have been cooking meals for me (us). I was talking with Dani about this, and she pointed out that maybe cooking is the only way I feel superior to Josh and that's why I haven't given him the tools to cook in case he cooks better than I do. That girl needs to stop taking so many psychology courses.

Wednesday, September 3, 2014


This weekend we had to attend a cousin's bar mitzvah. At the reception we sat at a table with cousins of Josh's who were all in their 20's and 30's. It's a reminder that I'm not at the kids table anymore at Micah's bar mitzvah and at life.

For so long I've felt like this is just a game (that can't be lost, but still) of playing at being an adult. Except now there are little signs like which table to sit at, that indicate it's not a game anymore. Shit is real. Sitting with adults and having to talk about boring adult things like ISIS or how we're all sexually harassing Jennifer Lawrence when we look at her nude pictures or the crisis in the Midwest. I sat among people who honestly said things like, "Remind me to find out who Julia used for the flowers; they're just stunning."

Nobody wanted to talk about which of the boys were cutest, Jersey Belle, which dresses we liked best, or anything fun. I was polite. I didn't get drunk at the open bar. I sat with the other adults while the kids played the games led by the band. I did not get a party favor.

Bar and bat mitzvahs were so much more fun when I was 11-14.

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

All the Big Feelings

A girl at work had what seems like a nervous breakdown today. She had to go home early and everything. This really pissed off another girl, which pissed me off.

Basically, between Robin Williams killing himself and the way the police are handling themselves in St. Louis, last week was really intense. Today this girl was going on and on about how scary it is, how she can't sleep, she looks at police differently, etc. The catch? She's white. She basically worked herself into a tizzy (I am a terrible person because of wondering if she was faking it to cut out of work early) and got sent home.

The girl who got pissed off is black. She started going on and on about white privilege and how spoiled rich white bitches have no right to be upset or scared. For the most part I agree with her, but I didn't need to hear her bitch about it for three hours straight, and finally just packed up my stuff and left to finish working at home.

I'm reading this book that takes place in a concentration camps during WWII, and when it got really intense I started to calm down by thinking, "Well it was hell, but it can't ever happen again." But then I realized ... people probably thought a lot of the things going on in Ferguson couldn't happen, after all the work done in the 60's. So maybe the girl from work is right to be scared. Maybe none of us are safe, after all.

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

We want to run wild

Josh and I have agreed we both want our freebie to be Bear Grylls. We also want to do his show, but together. Like as a couple. Pathetically, we got into a heated argument during dinner about who would get to spoon with Bear while sleeping overnight on the ledge of the mountain, before we remembered it's not actually happening.

I don't know what the equivalent is of the type of army he was in, but it was not your average army. When I watch him eat any live animal he comes across, I want to ask Bear "Are you as good in the city as you are in the backwoods of Montana?" Like, does he know how to pick every type of lock there is? Could he run through the tunnels to get from one end of the city to the other?

You know those people who say "confidence is sexy"? When they say that, they mean Bear. 

Monday, August 11, 2014

Time to get an attack-service dog

My friend Bianca always gets attacked by mosquitoes. She gives off some pheromone or something that makes them seek her out. Even in a room full of other people Bianca will be the only one to get bitten.

I think Alex has a special victim pheromone. She got mugged yesterday - some guy followed her into the building and was punching her while trying to steal her keys. The doorman came back from his break or wherever he was and pulled the guy off Alex and threw him out. This is not her first mugging. It needs to be the last. Josh and I are signing her up for krav maga. Alex needs to get more aggressive.

Thursday, August 7, 2014

Passports exist to be used

Josh: Hey, want to go to Amsterdam?
Me: Like ... the country?
Josh: Yeah
Me: I could go to Anne Frank's house, sure.
Josh: No, seriously Sammers. Want to?
Me: When?
Josh: September?
Me: Umm ...
Josh: Then we could go to Antwerp and Brussels!

So I am putting in for vacation for next month. There's a good chance I'll get it, because everyone's been taking vacations left and right through the summer and all I've done so far is take one Friday off for a weekend in the Hamptons. Two of the managers have asked what my vacation schedule was for the summer and seemed relieved that I am in town the whole time.

Why do I get so scared at the thought of leaving the country?

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Just fucking once

Just fucking once I would like to come home and have somebody hand me a glass of wine and point to the couch while they serve me dinner, instead of coming home and promptly being asked by whoever is laying on the couch what's for dinner.

About every other month I, as Josh says, "go all Italian" and scream at everybody about it. We are forever instituting all these rules and schedules about who should be cooking what on which days, and it never sticks. Nobody is capable of planning and cooking an entire dinner without my input. Even though I wrote out recipes, complete with which dishes to use. Josh will even sternly tell my sisters they need to cook dinner one night a week, but he'll forget his own night. Or get sushi delivered.

Tonight when I got home I smelled something good cooking even from the hallway. Upon opening the door Alex pulled a glass of wine from the refrigerator and handed it to me. Then she pointed to the couch. Where I sat. Within 15 minutes we were all eating pasta and meatballs with garlic bread. Alex made chocolate pudding pie with whipped cream for dinner.

I can die happy now.

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Big baby steps

Both my sisters have had to pay for their cell phones for a while now. Alex has had to pay for her toe shoes. Now that she's graduated she has officially retired from ballet (I'm sure her school is pissed that they wasted all that time on her), and will just take classes for fun. This means she won't be going through toe shoes almost weekly anymore. I realized Al will have a lot more money without having to buy all her ballet stuff.

So yesterday I announced that from now on they both have to buy all their own clothes. Plus all their stuff for school. Unknown to them, I did both their budgets. There is just no way either can afford to move out, and Dani's grades will suffer if she works as much as I did since she's double-majoring, and Alex is simply ... not capable. I don't know if she's too immature or too spoiled or what, but she won't be able to move out and support herself in a month.

Josh suggested that we tell them that they have to move out next summer. It gives them a year to figure their shit out, save money, figure out if they want to share a studio or what. I asked Josh if he's sure he can stand to deal with them another year and he pointed out that Danielle is barely here, and Alex is going to be super busy now that she's starting college.

Plus I know Danielle wants desperately to do a year abroad, so that alone would make home much less intense.

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Tequila Tuesday

That's what Josh decided tonight was. It was an excellent idea, and even more excellent considering tonight was the season finale of Real Housewives of New York. Leggate! We had a few friends over and it was really fun. I left work at 6pm which was beautiful. By 6:30 I was in shorts and a tank top in the kitchen.

Our menu:
  1. Bloody Marys (normally I think of these as a breakfast drink, but somebody asked for one, so I made a batch)
  2. Mango Tropical (silver tequila, mango, organic agave, fresh lime)
  3. La Sandia (silver tequila, fresh watermelon, rosemary and lemon)
  4. Coronas (some guy brought that)
Guacamole (avocado, jalapeño, tomato, onion and cilantro) with tortilla chips

  1. caesar salad (romaine lettuce, roasted red peppers and chile croutons, tossed with jalapeño-parmesan dressing)
  2. chicken enchiladas (pulled chicken rolled in soft corn tortillas and topped with a tomatillo cream sauce)
  3. refried black beans
I wanted to do empanadas but only started planning last night and there just wasn't enough time.  For dessert I did these icy melon granitas. I'm not quite sure what I was doing, but people seemed to like them. Honestly, I'm thinking about having one for breakfast tomorrow.

Monday, July 21, 2014

I am obsessed with tomatoes

I made stuffed tomatoes for dinner tonight. Leftovers will be brought to work and school tomorrow. Everybody loved them. We used pancetta instead of bacon. I wish there was a way to freeze tomatoes - it would be awesome to make this all throughout the year. I had Josh make garlic bread to go with our tomatoes. It didn't go well. He forgot he was cooking and went out for a run. Alex rescued the bread before it burned.

Thursday, July 17, 2014


I am not a wallflower. Sometimes I don't say anything when someone treats me like shit, but I am absolutely aware. At a certain point I am finished taking their shit.

That point came today. This girl at work has really been struggling. Like, Closed Door Talks with her mentor struggling and Scared She's Going to be Fired struggling. Plus she's the type who makes stupid mistakes when she's nervous instead of intensely focusing and triple-checking everything. So I have been helping her when I can. Sometimes I can't, like when a manager asks her a question and the first sentence of her response has "like" four times.

I'm sort of getting a handle on how work works, so I only help her when I have free time. Like yesterday I had 20 minutes for lunch, and I agreed to review her report while she ran out to get our food. If it's not too late at the end of the day I'll stay a few minutes and help her figure out what her emails mean. But I refuse to put my work aside for hers. She is really decent about respecting my boundaries.

This week I'm working on a client with this guy who right away announced he has some executive functioning thing. He is forever using it as an excuse. "You'll have to do that part because I can't. Because of my disability." He keeps dumping his work on me. Not asking. Demanding. Fuck that. He'll interrupt my work to put his in front of me, and then do that thing some guys do where they physically intimidate intimidate you with their body by standing over you while you're sitting down. I hate that.

Today I snapped. "Maybe you're not cut out for this job if your disability prevents you from doing so much of it." He claimed he was firing off an angry email to HR about my lack of sensitivity and unwillingness to be a team player. "Good luck remembering to follow up with them," I smirked when he told me what he was doing. Bitchy thing to say, but your disability is not my problem. Your "reasonable accommodation" is not "dump all work on Sam." I am like 90% interested to see how HR handles this and 10% amused.

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

The bitching about work must end, immediately

A guy from work committed suicide over the weekend. No idea if it was because of work or what, but I could totally see that being the case. Some managers really get off on making other people's lives miserable. A really sensitive person having that happen could take it super personally.

All day we were unsettled and everyone kept gossiping about him. I didn't want to talk about him. Not because I don't care. Because I didn't know him very well, and can't imagine someone wanting their pain and life discussed by people who are just excited to have something big to talk about besides work.

After work I changed my clothes and took Josh out for a run (this makes him sound like a dog but he's not - I just wanted to talk and move). He asked me to promise that if I ever felt so bad that suicide seems like a good option, I would come tell him. I just agreed and didn't say that time already passed.

As I thought about it more I realized that for me the feeling passed. Maybe for the guy at work, it didn't. Not every problem is temporary. I hope he's at least at peace now.

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Out! Out damn ... sisters

Tonight Josh and I went to Butter for dinner. I was late, because I suck and work ridiculous hours. Josh was on his second drink when I got there and swore he wasn't upset. This dinner was on me, because I insist on taking Josh out to dinner once a month. This has been going on since I got my grownup job, and am almost at the point of not thinking about the cost when there's an urge for an appetizer or dessert.

Josh thinks it's amusing that I pay. He talks all through when I'm figuring out the tip, and each time I worry about doing the math wrong, which would be outrageously embarrassing. The accountant who couldn't do simple math.

We were talking about my sisters moving out. It doesn't look good. Neither of them earn that much, they're now super spoiled from living here, and they don't want to move out only to have to live together. Josh's parents already pay more than half for our apartment even though I have more than half the people in it. I would have to take out money that goes to my retirement account to put towards their rent. Which I guess I could do, but that would be like, for a shitty apartment in Queens. I don't think Alex and Danielle will go for that. Everything really comes back to them being spoiled. I may have made a really horrible mistake five years ago.

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

First comes love

Aside from the money issue there's one other issue that makes me hesitate when I think of marrying Josh. He wants kids. "Not a lot - no need to become the Duggarsteins - but just like two or three." Umm ... two or three is about two and a half too many. I'm totally down to have a dog.

The thing is, I could be okay with having a kid if we had a boy. Of course there's no way to guarantee that unless we adopted an already-made boy. Josh does not want to adopt a kid. I just feel like with my sisters, I'm over girls.

We are at an impasse on this. Josh has this sister who basically left the family and nobody has spoken to in years, and although he never talks about it I know it hurts him. That's why he wants three kids - so if one pulls what his sister did, the sibling won't turn into an only child. Though, what are the odds of that happening?

I don't want to get married until this is sorted out. As a potential solution I suggested that if a girl pops out, we should just switch with someone who's had a boy and is disappointed. Josh is adamant that we need to raise a baby that's had our genes mashed together.

The other thing is, I have been going so aggressively for so long that it's hard to imagine sitting at home with a baby. At the same time Josh's solution - a nanny - would never feel comfortable. My deadline for working all these things out is a little over seven years from now. By 30 I want to be finished having any kids we may have (or adopt).

In sum, our two big issues are money and kids. The two issues that drive people apart. So yeah, the future is looking great.

Monday, June 30, 2014

Raining dollar bills

Last week I found out my friend, who had been seriously dating her boyfriend for almost as long as I've been with Josh and was moving towards getting married, broke up with him out of nowhere. It was kind of shocking for everyone finding out. We're trying to stay friends with both of them - Josh went out with the guy for drinks; I had my friend over for brunch this morning.

When Josh and I compared notes, we came away honestly surprised they've lasted as long as they have. Basically he's Irish and traditional and wants a wife who will stay home and pop out babies. She's in law school. Yeah, neither will change their mind. It makes me feel outrageously lucky that Josh and I are almost completely on the same page.

The two things we disagree on are having kids and handling money. I could become a trillionaire and still will never be able to spend the way Josh does. He has gotten a thousand times better but Josh will never be able to think of cost and respect money the way I do. Right this very second, there is a stack of bills totaling $660, in a loose pile on the couch next to me. Josh took $800 out of the ATM last week. I would bet you $660 that he has no idea what he spent that $140 on.

When I go to bed tonight, that money will come with me because we have too many people coming in and out of our apartment to sit out in the living room. If someone took a few bills Josh would never notice. This is how he is with money all the time. I bet I could find money in the kitchen, in the hallway (a few times I've found dollar bills being used as bookmarks in books), everywhere.

Every cent of my money is accounted for. I know exactly how much is in my bedroom, and in my workbag. Josh has talked about blending our money when we're married. As a poor girl I know that's supposed to be like, my ultimate wish. But if I saw "our" money keeping the place in a book, or strewn in random places, it would make me crazy. I don't want to break up like our friends did. I don't think Josh is ever going to change.

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

It would be too corny

So I'm not going to say Howdy even though I'm in Texas. In NY some girls wear dresses with cowboy boots. It's sort of ironic. Here they do it, and it's ... not. Everything I know about Texas comes from Friday Night Lights.

I don't know if everything really IS bigger in Texas but everything is more ... constructed here. I once heard the term "a full face" in reference to wearing a lot of makeup. In NY, when someone's all done up like that, I assume they're a model or actress coming from work. Everyone is all into subtle. Not in Texas. Big makeup. Big smiles. Is assertive smiling a thing?

The great thing is, it's super easy to get good quality food. Huge portions - I haven't finished one meal yet. I was sort of hoping for really big hair, like 80's Jersey height. You know, the higher the hair, the closer to Jesus?

In case you didn't know, I'm really really mean. The slow-talking drives me crazy. It truly makes me feel like I have ADHD to listen to people here talk because it takes them so long to get their words out that I have to keep reminding myself to pay attention and not scream, "HURRY UP, SPIT IT OUT!" It's at the point now where I'm emailing our clients just a hallway away because reading their responses goes so much faster.

I just want to go home. Maybe I'm not a traveling person since I think so negatively. I just want to be around my sisters and Josh. I want my own kitchen. I want to come home from working for 12 hours and bake while cooking soup. The problem with traveling for work is that at the end of your (very, very) long day, you don't go home. You go to a hotel. So you feel like you're just working for days on end. Which you are. Weekends mean nothing. Night time means nothing. I think this must be why people seem to drink so much while traveling for work.

The only good thing is, we didn't get a dog. Pretty sure missing my dog would push me over the edge.

Thursday, June 19, 2014


When we moved into our building, we were probably the loudest people here. Beyond being loud Italians, we're not really that loud. There's a strong mix of people here - families with babies, young couples, older couples, single people... and basically everybody gets along. Sometimes someone's dog pees in a hallway and one neighbor complains so the dog-neighbor apologizes. It's all very quiet and civil.

It seems like there's been some turnover in the last few months. I haven't noticed anybody moving in or out, but all of a sudden there are a LOT of little kids, and they're not the well-behaved kind.

The desk Dani sits at to study is up against a wall that's shared with neighbors. Neighbors who have kids. For at least two hours every day she hears what sounds like people being thrown against the wall (she thinks a bed is up against that wall) and toy cars or something like it running all around the wall.

Almost each night we hear little kids screeching and screaming through the halls. It goes on and on, and sometimes we can't hear each other talk within the same room. It's not even words - just sounds. Who the hell is letting them make so much noise?

Last weekend when I was coming home, I ran into two little kids hanging out in the lobby, like 3 and 5? They were super open and smiley Indian kids, happy to tell me all about the picnic they were about to go on. I don't think they're the ones making all the noise. I want to have them spy and report back who the bad kids are so I can go yell at them.

Josh got aggravated tonight during the Screaming Hour after dinner and mumbled, "time to move!" I don't know if he means us or them.

Monday, June 16, 2014

Still working it all out

It's been long enough that Josh and I have been living together - you would think by now all issues would be smoothed out. I did. Everyone knows Dani wishes we hadn't moved in with Josh. Everyone knows Josh wished he could have moved in with just me and not my sisters. It's all out in the open.

Josh thought me and my sisters were too close. He is still uncomfortable being in bed with my sisters being in the bedroom. He does not like our lack of modesty with each other, and wishes we all closed bathroom doors during showers. To be honest, I think Josh still thinks we're too close. He thinks the regularity with which we share clothes is too much. We try to humor him a little, because living with three girls must be hard.

Sometimes we forget. I have told my sisters repeatedly (more in the first year or two when we moved in together, less these days) to be respectful of Josh's uncomfortableness with walking around in jeans and a bra in the mornings. On Saturday Danielle apparently forgot, and I was woken up to a high pitched screech. In the middle of getting dressed she'd wandered into the kitchen to start water going for eggs.

I thought Josh was upset that Dani didn't have a shirt on, and he was. But he was also upset that she was wearing my bra.

Me: What? We're the same size.
Josh: That's like sharing underwear!
Me: No, it's different.
Josh: It's gross!
Me: No, it's really not.
Josh: I pulled that bra off you a week ago when we were having sex!
Me: .... oh.

He walked out completely disgusted. I told Dani we can't share anymore. Josh came back an hour later. I saw him go toss an envelope on Danielle's bed before coming over to me. "Please use this," Josh said. He pressed something into my hand. Today I spent my giftcard at Victoria's Secret. Danielle also spent hers. Poor little Alex got nothing new, because she's ... little.

Monday, June 9, 2014

Wise words, calming cadence

Yesterday Josh and I were walking back from a farmer's market and ran into a guy I work with. He's like way higher up than I am, and was actually kind of dickish to work with. Ed waved us over and invited us to sit down and chat over coffee. Josh told me to stay, saying he would take all our food home. So I stayed. I chatted.

It turns out Ed is not a dick as a personal person, just as a work person. We had this hour-long talk about how difficult work can be, how to get clients to give you the information you're waiting on, how to manage your anger when they give you deadlines but sneak out side doors at 8pm on Fridays while you sit waiting for the docs to meet those deadlines, and on and on.

This was a really good talk, surprisingly. I totally feel like I'm going to walk into work tomorrow with a totally different perspective. Better able to work around assholenish. It was super nice of Ed to reach out like that and help so much.

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Yes, all women

When we lived in the South Bronx it was never apartments that had doormen. I never unlocked the door to the building if a man was walking behind me, or towards me. Same thing in the hallway in front of the apartment. I never held the door open for anyone. In ninth grade my social studies teacher told us about how she held the apartment door open for the man who turned out to be her mugger.

This weekend I realized my sisters never got a serious talk about this stuff. I made a mental note to do it. Today I was coming home from work when I saw Alex almost a block ahead of me. We have a doorman so I was really surprised to see her walk right by our place and keep going. She stopped half a block past our apartment and started digging in her bag. I ran to catch up with her as Al was pulling out her cell phone.

"I didn't recognize the doorman. Is he new?" she asked me. So proud. Guess we don't need to have that talk.

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

How busy are you?

I am so busy. I didn't even know work could get this busy. They did not tell me this. When you sign up for a job you don't think to ask things like, "Will I need to bring a toothbrush in my purse?" or "How many days in a row will be 20 hour ones?"

I am having a hard time understanding the lack of flexibility. A client says, "I need this project done. Can you have it done in five weeks?" and the company, instead of saying "We can get it done in five weeks IF we begin two weeks from now," says "You bet!" The thinking is that if you say no to the client they'll just go to some other company that can meet their deadline. But these are arbitrary deadlines. So why can't they just move them? Why would they want to give business to a client who would work their employees such harsh hours?

Last week we were working so many hours for so many days that we were each given a night off and had dinner at a nice restaurant comped. I was so excited to spend time with Josh while we were both awake, and for once being the one to get to take him to a fancy place for dinner was exciting too. Except during our appetizers I got called back into work! It is possible I may have cried in the cab.

So that's how busy.

Friday, May 2, 2014

Brace yourself

Mother's Day is coming. I wish Mother's Day meant the day when all the mothers come back. We have so much to talk about. I have some sewing questions and some cooking questions and some husband questions and some money-saving questions and some mama questions.

I want to show my mom my closet. She had this way of organizing hers that was so cool and I used to play in it and the plan was when I grew up I'd do mine the same way. Except now I am grown up but I can't remember what exactly she did. I forced Alex to help me try to stumble upon it - first we organized by color, then by type of clothing, then by type of clothing and color, then by season and color... We tried a different method each day for a week. Drove Josh crazy. Yeah I have no idea how she did it.

Why didn't my mom get married? Like, ever? She was beautiful and awesome. I'd marry her. Was it because nobody wanted to take on so many kids? Was it because she didn't really throw herself out there to meet people? I really want to understand this. Didn't she want to get married? In my psychology class in college I read something about how kids copy the same-sex parent. Does that mean I'm doomed to not get married? Somebody should tell Josh.

I want to tell her about the replacing of bedding each year and see what she thinks of it. I want her to make me all her foods again and then write down the recipes for all the ones I love best. So all of them really. I want to try on all her clothes. And shoes. And jewelry. I want her to brush my hair out. I want her to tell me everything I need to know. I want to smell her. I want to know why she never got a pet. Does she think I shouldn't get a dog? Am I doing life right?

Friday, April 25, 2014

Off the hook

Our fire family wound up cancelling. It's all for the best because I got a bad case of ... cooker's block. Josh must have noticed because he texted me at work this morning to say he would be taking over dinner tonight and I was responsible only for showing up. 

One one hand this was great. It was exactly what I need. Every day this week has involved working to at least 8pm. There is no time during the day to fantasize about food for dinners. This makes me sad. It turns out you really have to work at work. It's not like college where you can just zone out and make mental lists of all the different foods you'd like to cook for all the different people in your life. Or not in your life. 

On the other hand, as sweet as it is when Josh decides to take over, it also makes me nervous. He now knows how to make about half a dozen meals, and two of them are hit or miss. When he pulls in one of my sisters his repertoire goes up to ten. So all this adds up to having to put myself in the mood for one of his meals and to clean up afterwards. 

(I just noticed how this all looks and wish I could start each paragraph with "O" but there's no way to turn what I want to say into a word starting with that.) At 7:56 I got home. By 8:02 we were eating scallops, cooked perfectly. Josh read a recipe and made it. Linguine, scallops, peas and brown butter. The butter was slightly off, but everything else was perfect, and for Josh's first time it's pretty damn impressive. 

After dinner I cleaned and Josh ... complimented me? Apparently I make it look easy and effortless so Josh was inspired. Then he made homemade whipped cream for the strawberries we ate as dessert.  I am strongly considering having cooker's block a lot more often.

Tuesday, April 22, 2014


Brittany is thinking of going back with the reformed crack-user boyfriend with gout. I am employing the earbuds method of ignoring because who can listen to this shit hour after hour?

I told Josh all about it, and he leaned back in his chair, smiled at me and said, "They all sound terrible for each other. I'll take that blowjob now..."

Danielle is going to Italy for the summer. When she told us, my heart sank. I don't know how her moving out some day is going to be alright if this is the reaction to just three months. Josh told me to put in for vacation this week, and if I do it he'll take me to visit in Italy.

On Wednesday we are having a fire family over for dinner. I don't know what to make, and Alex suggested going back to basics with spaghetti and meatballs, but that's so eh. I already told work there's a doctor's appointment and have to leave early. When I look in my head at the list of recipes and meals nothing seems appealing. Maybe letting Alex make the dinner herself is the way to deal. All I want is to make something that will go with apple hand pies. When I announced this, Josh asked "Wouldn't that be like planning an outfit all around a pair of shoes?" The three of us looked at him and in unison said, "What's wrong with that?" Poor, poor Josh.

Sunday, April 20, 2014

Maybe I should appreciate Josh more

This girl Brittany at work is a bit of a hot mess personally who sort of barely pulls it together for the job. I know an outrageous amount of personal stuff about her. Including that her semi live-in boyfriend is an actual reformed heroin user who is a current alcoholic who has gout. His job is being a money-taker/security guard at a strip club. He's also the custodian who mops the floors after guys watching the strippers make them sticky. So yeah.

Anyway apparently they have this super difficult relationship, and he's like, a terrible boyfriend. For Christmas, Brittany wanted one of four specific things, each under $50. He gave her some weird art he bought off Etsy from an ex-girlfriend that doesn't go with her house. He doesn't understand why she didn't love it. But the sex is really amazing.

They get in big dramatic fights on the regular, and he cheated on her once, and she's cheated on him many times. She told me they have an open relationship, so I'm a little confused on the cheating part, but I don't ask too many questions.

So, recently this other guy who has been with his girlfriend for something like a hundred years, has told Brittany he'll break up with his girlfriend for her. And she's (had sex with him) really into him, and really into how stable he is, with a real job, and no drama. But Brittany was conflicted because she couldn't quite bring herself to break up with the first guy.

She constantly threatens to break up with the boyfriend, and I told her this new guy sounds perfect, and she should go for it. But she couldn't bring herself to. Except that last week, they got in a huge fight about going to some concert (the details were a little murky and I don't care enough about the minute details to ask Brittany to clarify) and really DID break up.

Today Brittany was crying on and off all day and when she came back from lunch she was hysterical. So hysterical that when she tried to tell me why, I couldn't understand what she was saying. Finally this guy overheard and told me "he gave back the house keys." Oh. Well that seems sort of final I guess. Brittany said the boyfriend told her he'll never be able to be the kind of boyfriend she wants (which I agree with) because he doesn't even think he'll be alive for a long time. I didn't quite understand that logic - it seems like a cop out to me.

All that to say that 1. Brittany is not doing her share of work which means there's more for me and the other person to do, 2. Sometimes work is like a soap opera, and 3. I need to be much nicer to Josh and thank him for not doing crack. Heroin. Whatever.

Friday, April 18, 2014

Yes, Jews can come to Jesus

On the plane ride back from St. Louis I gave myself a big talk about how upsetting Josh's friends get me when they stay over. After I wrote up my expense report, I wrote up guest guidelines.

When I got home, they were left for Alex and Dani with a note telling them to read it, make any changes they thought were fair and to give it back to me. The only change Alex wanted was to specify that whoever invites the guests has to either make them clean up after themselves, or do it for them if they don't. And the only change Dani wanted was that if two people want the guest to leave, whoever invited them has to make them leave.

I was really nervous showing it to Josh but reminded myself how angry his bad guests got me, and did it anyway. He read it, then looked at me in confusion. "I thought we had most of this going already."

Um, no. Because if we did, why weren't you enforcing it? Hopefully this will help. We'll see. It's good we made this formal because now I'll be justified in yelling at Josh about his shitty guests.

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Well, it's not New York

I probably am, but really try not to be obnoxious about being a New Yorker. Work sent me to St. Louis. That's Missouri. I'm still here. In Missouri. We got sent here last Thursday. We had to work Saturday. And Sunday. Josh had told me he'd fly me home Friday night and back here Sunday night if we didn't have to work over the weekend.

It turns out I'm not a small-city kind of girl. Falling asleep to the sound of sirens IS white noise to my sleepy ears. I got really freaked out the first night, not hearing any street noise. Eventually though, I fell asleep and it turns out I slept deeper than I ever slept before in my life.

On Sunday I was able to carve out a few free hours and ran out to the nearest farmer's market to get some good food. From now on I'm going to travel with ziploc storage bags. That's really weird I know, but I am really just not happy when the only food options are unhealthy. So I picked up a bunch of fruit, organic yogurt, organic cheese, and fresh bread. When I bought the loaf of bread I talked them into cutting it up for me, so now I can have cheese sandwiches each day.

I don't know why everyone seeks out fast food for every single meal. At this point they think I'm weird for not wanting to eat with them, but I don't feel good if I eat that way. There are rumors there are good restaurants here, and Josh told me to use his credit card for whatever I want on work trips, but everyone else is so enthusiastic about going to all the fast food places.

Also, this is something awkward that happened: one of the other people who came out here is this Indian guy. On Thursday night I got all ready for bed and then there was a knock on my hotel door and it was him - he wanted to sort out if I was definitely doing something or he had to do it. I was kind of startled he was at the door (why not just text me or even call?) and just threw a sweater on over my nightgown. I should have pulled on my jeans too, because it was a little short.

Anyway, we talked for like five minutes and then as he was walking out we said good night and then he goes, "I like your dress." I didn't correct him.

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

We need guest rules

Here's what happens when my sisters or I have a guest over:
1. They arrive with minimal stuff
2. They sleep over for a night, never more unless one of us are gone
3. They leave, and then there's no trace of them having been here

Here's what happens when Josh has a guest over:
1. His guest is rarely one person. In the current case, it's four people
2. They arrive with lots of stuff, which is immediately thrown all about
3. Josh swears I'm wrong, but I'm not - they look around and pick the person they'll be asking to do all sorts of things for them. Sometimes their asking is not an actual question, but more like voicing wistfulness. "You know what would be amazeballs? Some black tea with organic honey." 
4. They stay longer than I like. Every. Single. Time. Then I do the whisper-yell to Josh to get them out and he tells me it's just a day or three more, and then I get bitchy to the guests and they're like "What's her issue?" to Josh and we fight.
5. They make themselves at home in all the wrong ways and none of the right ways. You make yourself a messy snack in the kitchen an hour before dinner, don't clean up from it, pick at dinner, don't clean up from that, and then two hours later bitch about being hungry.
6. Josh would disagree with this, but even the nice things they do are done in a way that makes us feel bad. "You didn't have any flowers and it was really depressing here so I bought some." 
7. They don't follow the way we do things here. Take your fucking shoes off!

Needless to say Dani has been absent a lot lately and I've been a rude hostess by hanging out in my bed a lot claiming to be working.

Saturday, March 29, 2014


Last Saturday I had to work, and ran into the scary partner. It is quieter and slower on the weekends. I was able to tell her about the guy and about what I said to him. She just laughed and said not to worry about it.

Then in the middle of the week she emailed me like "Thank you for telling me about the comments Tim made to you at the happy hour Manager hosted...." so I just replied thanking her for being willing to talk to me about it. Then she forwarded the whole thing to an HR person and asked them to take whatever further steps they felt were necessary.

That kind of freaked me out because I didn't know what would happen after HR found out. I was super glad though that I was done working with Tim. So far nothing's happened to me. So I guess if they were going to fire me it would have happened already. Right?

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Two down

Alex sounds like what contagious would look like if it had a face. You hear her cough and just want to pour buckets of Lysol down her throat. She stayed home today and didn't leave her bed, which was stocked with tissues, books, water, and cold medicine.

This morning Josh popped into her bedroom while I was getting ready and came back out shoving something in his pocket. Later I found out he took some of her medicine. It didn't save him. When I got home from work he was asleep on the couch with a box of tissues on his belly.

Now they can be best sick friends. Tonight I made applesauce and chicken soup. I told Danielle to get out while she's still healthy.

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

One down

In the middle of the night Alex woke me up. "I can't breathe." So I gave her my inhaler and went back to sleep. Apparently she just sat there for a few minutes, before waking me up again with the same complaint. I gave her my inhaler again and this time watched to make sure she did it right. We sat in the dark staring at each other. Alex shook her head. Right as she started to say, "It still isn't working," I could tell her lungs opened up. I sent Alex back to bed.

This morning she woke me up over an hour before anyone's alarm was supposed to go off. "I don't feel good." So I told her to stay home. By the time I'd gotten to work she'd texted me twice - that her throat hurt and that her chest hurt. When I called Alex, she cried. I called Doug to make an appointment but the woman told me nothing was available until tomorrow afternoon. I took the appointment to reserve it, and told Alex. She told me she couldn't wait that long and announced she was taking over my inhaler.

I called the office back and asked them to bump me up if anyone cancelled because my sister was really uncomfortable. After work when I was a block away from home, Doug called. I kept walking, and ran up the stairs instead of taking the elevator to get to Alex while he was still on the phone.

I gave Alex my phone and told her to talk to Doug. She sounded so pitiful. I went to change out of my work clothes and Alex came in and laid across the foot of the bed. She told me Doug was emailing a list of things to buy at the pharmacy. I forwarded that to Josh and an hour later Alex was drugged up with Mucinex. Hopefully tomorrow she wakes up better, because Al has a test.

Friday, March 21, 2014

New direction (not about Glee)

The partner I was going to talk with seems super busy. I guess things got backed up from her being out of the office for a couple of days? 

It seems like there was an accident - this guy now thinks we're friends or something. The kind of friends where he can make comments about what I wear each day. And how I look in it. And how my body looks. So we had a little talk today because this is very quickly spiraling out of control.

"We're not friends. We're temporary co-workers, and nothing else. It is highly unprofessional of you to talk about my body in any way. Don't ever do it again. Not to me, not to my boyfriend, not to anyone else. Don't talk about my clothes or how I look in them. You can talk to me about work. Nothing else. At all. If you ever comment on my body again, I will hurt you very, very badly." 

He kind of just stared at me, so I walked away because I didn't know what was supposed to happen next. My earbuds are in basically all the time, and I make it a point to sit facing the door so I can see anyone walking towards me.

Sunday, March 16, 2014

Decision time

Tomorrow I am wearing my best outfit, and Dani has agreed to flat iron my hair for me. Then, I am going to go talk to Scary Partner and ask her if when you're out after work at a bar with work people if somebody says rude things about you that's still considered a problem for the company to handle. Except I may go to Plan B which is to chicken out.

Thursday, March 13, 2014

Just die

I was super nervous going to work today. Josh referred to my boss as Head Camp Counselor - the kind of woman who wins Most School Spirit. On the way in, I came up with a strategy. It was, be super busy, too busy to chat. Kind of a lame plan, but it's all I could think of.

When I got there, nobody else had gotten in yet. But 30 seconds after I had gotten settled in and started working, my boss showed up. She was super enthusiastic about last night and seemed to want me to agree on how great it was. So I said it was fun getting drinks together and meeting her fiance. I wanted her to leave me alone so I could pretend to be super busy before Kiss-Ass got there. My iPod was charged and ready to go.

When Kiss-Ass arrived he tried to ask me questions and I kept saying I needed to get this done, our deadlines are quickly approaching, and he would back off and then start up again. When I went to the bathroom he met me outside the door (who does that?) and was like "Your boyfriend is really scary. Are you in an abusive relationship?"

Really?! You make obnoxious comments about MY body, and think it's Josh who is abusive? I think this is one of those guys who should just never, ever get to know anything at all about my personal life. If Josh were abusive I wouldn't be with him for such a long time. I'd certainly never let him around my sisters alone!

So I told him no. No, I am most certainly not in an abusive relationship. Now please leave me the hell alone and don't ever talk about me or my body to me or anyone else again. When I got home Josh asked me how it went. I just told him it was fine - if Josh knew about the abusive question, it would make him so angry. I feel like this whole thing needs to die.

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

There were no Jewish boys in West Side Story

Each time I'm working on a different client, I have a different boss. At the end of each project, they fill out a thing on me, and that's sort of what my review will be made up of. It's a little scary, because they all have wildly different personalities, but it's also really great because if you click, they can request you for a project in the future.

The person I'm working for now is very "team building-y". I don't know if that's a real thing. But she seriously is one step away from having us all hold hands, close our eyes, and pray around the conference table before we begin working each morning.

There is only one other person at my same level on this project, and he is super kiss-assy to our boss. He even sits up straighter when she walks over to us. I'm honestly surprised he hasn't followed her into the bathroom and offered to wipe for her.

Today, she met with the clients and then told us this week is going to be harsh, and invited us to a happy hour. Kiss-Ass immediately said yes. I was going to do some errands after work and then had a specific dinner planned that isn't fast. Ultimately I agreed to one drink.

Josh met me at the bar we went to, and I got to introduce him to everyone. When I came back from the bathroom I saw him saying something to Kiss-Ass, who then kind of slinked away. Josh's face was dark and angry. I whispered to him "What happened?" Josh shook his head and mouthed later. That only made me even more curious.

On the way home, I asked again. Josh shook his head. "You don't want to know." I argued back. "I have to work with this guy; I DO want to know." Josh told me he made wildly inappropriate comments about my body and what I was like in bed, so Josh threatened him. Oh, well okay then. Can I get fired for this?

I am kind of scared to go to work tomorrow. This is so awkward now. And why the hell would he have made any comment at all about me? That's so weird!

Monday, March 10, 2014

Oh hello stranger, may I ask you some personal questions about your face?

When Alex hit a certain age, my mother decided she needed to bring in more money and got a job as a receptionist through one of the ladies whose clothes she had done for years. When I think of my mom, I think of her as being beautiful. I remember not understanding why she bought a little bag full of makeup before she was about to start her new, fancy job. I didn't understand why she thought she needed all that to look beautiful - she was beautiful just how she was. Ugh, excuse me while I go have a panic attack and cry in the shower.

Okay. So. Um, yeah. I kind of come from the Kristen Stewart school of eye makeup.  When I started working, it was a huge learning curve to tone it down and be less "girl-with-attitude" and more "young-professional." That came about because Josh's mom pulled me aside one day and flat out told me to tone it down.

A few days ago, Dani and I were talking as I was getting ready, and she asked at what age we're supposed to start doing skincare stuff. "We already do it," I told her, gesturing to the Cetaphil and sunscreen we all use. "Ummm ... pretty sure we're supposed to do more than that. Where are our mud masks and moisturizers and stuff?"

I poked around online but got overwhelmed. Apparently there's stuff you do in your 20's, and different stuff in your 30's. But even just within your own decade there's a ton of different options. So we discussed going to Sephora, but it's always so crowded and claustrophobic there. (I don't understand why tourists go to major cities and ten go to chain stores.)

Since that discussion with Dani I've been staring at people on the train who look around my age and have good skin. I wish I could just ask. There's no way to do that though, without risking getting punched. I wish I could remember what my mom had in that bag.

Friday, March 7, 2014

If only she knew

Today at work when I was going to run out for lunch, this girl I don't know well offered to come with me. While we were waiting in line to pay she asked where I shop. Like, for clothes. "My boyfriend and my blog people pick them all out for me." You can't really say that.

When she turned to pay I quickly looked her up and down. Yeah, she needs help. Not mine of course, but somebody's. I am not the most gentle person in the world, so should not be the one to have to tell her "You are wearing ill-fitting clothes that do not fit your specific body." But she wears ill-fitting clothes that do not fit her body. Just because you can squeeze your body into it does not mean you should wear it.

I told her that Macy's has free personal shoppers. On the way home I was thinking about it, and realized that if someone knew nothing about me other than that my boyfriend picked out the majority of my clothes, it would give a totally wrong impression of us.

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Midlife crisis

Alex has been crying for three hours. She claims she just realized she's not going to dance for the rest of her life. Which she's known before - I know, because we've talked about it. I don't want to be rude but ... this all seems kind of over-dramatic. Going from room to room, trying to get everyone to agree with how very crushing it is. Refusing to eat dinner because it's all just too sad.

She disagrees. Alex is all "end of an ERA" and talking about being in mourning and anything that has been discussed in front of her has been twisted around to be sad. Josh said it's as if she's having a midlife crisis - that she's woken up and realized there will soon come a day when she doesn't spend four or five hours each day doing what she loves and being in her happy place.

He is a better person than I am. All I want is for at least one sister, if not both, to move out. Plus, to get a dog.

Sunday, March 2, 2014

Returning home

I got home last night around 7:30. Josh gave me soup (that at first I mistakenly thought he made but later realized he bought) and then started the shower and I was in bed by 9pm. This morning I didn't even wake up until 8:30! Josh told me it was much less weird being home alone with my sisters than he worried it would be. I had worried about it a couple of times last week, but it all happened so fast we didn't really have time to process it.

Tomorrow I have to drop off all my work clothes that came on my trip and pay extra for them to rush cleaning them. It seems like there should have been a better way, but maybe that way is to have more clothes. Or finding a dry-cleaner that's open on Sundays maybe?

Alex and Dani told me Josh can't cook for shit but he's always down for being told what to do or ordering in. Josh told me they're both bossy and will always go after what they want or need. I hope he's right.

Thursday, February 27, 2014

My beautiful work life

I just got back to my hotel room 20 minutes ago and showered. I need to know what you people do, who were talking about taking pictures, how many drinks to have, meeting fancy clients, all the sight-seeing, etc. Because none of that happens here.

I get up at 6am, go work out, shower and get dressed, grab yogurt and fruit, and then leave. We are expected at the conference room by 8 a.m. Lunch is brought in. Around 3pm this guy Neal and I go for a 10 minute walk to breathe outside air and look farther than two feet in front of our faces. Dinner is brought in. People start leaving around 10:30 or 11 p.m. I try to be third or second to last and never first to leave. I'm scared to be last to leave.

The people at the company are not happy we're here. If we ask them for information, and they sigh and roll their eyes. "I'll get it to you when I get to it." That's great but we have a deadline when we're supposed to have finished. That deadline is given to us by their bosses. We are definitely working all day Saturday. If we get told to work Sunday I honestly won't be surprised.