Friday, April 18, 2014

Yes, Jews can come to Jesus

On the plane ride back from St. Louis I gave myself a big talk about how upsetting Josh's friends get me when they stay over. After I wrote up my expense report, I wrote up guest guidelines.

When I got home, they were left for Alex and Dani with a note telling them to read it, make any changes they thought were fair and to give it back to me. The only change Alex wanted was to specify that whoever invites the guests has to either make them clean up after themselves, or do it for them if they don't. And the only change Dani wanted was that if two people want the guest to leave, whoever invited them has to make them leave.

I was really nervous showing it to Josh but reminded myself how angry his bad guests got me, and did it anyway. He read it, then looked at me in confusion. "I thought we had most of this going already."

Um, no. Because if we did, why weren't you enforcing it? Hopefully this will help. We'll see. It's good we made this formal because now I'll be justified in yelling at Josh about his shitty guests.

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Well, it's not New York

I probably am, but really try not to be obnoxious about being a New Yorker. Work sent me to St. Louis. That's Missouri. I'm still here. In Missouri. We got sent here last Thursday. We had to work Saturday. And Sunday. Josh had told me he'd fly me home Friday night and back here Sunday night if we didn't have to work over the weekend.

It turns out I'm not a small-city kind of girl. Falling asleep to the sound of sirens IS white noise to my sleepy ears. I got really freaked out the first night, not hearing any street noise. Eventually though, I fell asleep and it turns out I slept deeper than I ever slept before in my life.

On Sunday I was able to carve out a few free hours and ran out to the nearest farmer's market to get some good food. From now on I'm going to travel with ziploc storage bags. That's really weird I know, but I am really just not happy when the only food options are unhealthy. So I picked up a bunch of fruit, organic yogurt, organic cheese, and fresh bread. When I bought the loaf of bread I talked them into cutting it up for me, so now I can have cheese sandwiches each day.

I don't know why everyone seeks out fast food for every single meal. At this point they think I'm weird for not wanting to eat with them, but I don't feel good if I eat that way. There are rumors there are good restaurants here, and Josh told me to use his credit card for whatever I want on work trips, but everyone else is so enthusiastic about going to all the fast food places.

Also, this is something awkward that happened: one of the other people who came out here is this Indian guy. On Thursday night I got all ready for bed and then there was a knock on my hotel door and it was him - he wanted to sort out if I was definitely doing something or he had to do it. I was kind of startled he was at the door (why not just text me or even call?) and just threw a sweater on over my nightgown. I should have pulled on my jeans too, because it was a little short.

Anyway, we talked for like five minutes and then as he was walking out we said good night and then he goes, "I like your dress." I didn't correct him.

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

We need guest rules

Here's what happens when my sisters or I have a guest over:
1. They arrive with minimal stuff
2. They sleep over for a night, never more unless one of us are gone
3. They leave, and then there's no trace of them having been here

Here's what happens when Josh has a guest over:
1. His guest is rarely one person. In the current case, it's four people
2. They arrive with lots of stuff, which is immediately thrown all about
3. Josh swears I'm wrong, but I'm not - they look around and pick the person they'll be asking to do all sorts of things for them. Sometimes their asking is not an actual question, but more like voicing wistfulness. "You know what would be amazeballs? Some black tea with organic honey." 
4. They stay longer than I like. Every. Single. Time. Then I do the whisper-yell to Josh to get them out and he tells me it's just a day or three more, and then I get bitchy to the guests and they're like "What's her issue?" to Josh and we fight.
5. They make themselves at home in all the wrong ways and none of the right ways. You make yourself a messy snack in the kitchen an hour before dinner, don't clean up from it, pick at dinner, don't clean up from that, and then two hours later bitch about being hungry.
6. Josh would disagree with this, but even the nice things they do are done in a way that makes us feel bad. "You didn't have any flowers and it was really depressing here so I bought some." 
7. They don't follow the way we do things here. Take your fucking shoes off!

Needless to say Dani has been absent a lot lately and I've been a rude hostess by hanging out in my bed a lot claiming to be working.

Saturday, March 29, 2014


Last Saturday I had to work, and ran into the scary partner. It is quieter and slower on the weekends. I was able to tell her about the guy and about what I said to him. She just laughed and said not to worry about it.

Then in the middle of the week she emailed me like "Thank you for telling me about the comments Tim made to you at the happy hour Manager hosted...." so I just replied thanking her for being willing to talk to me about it. Then she forwarded the whole thing to an HR person and asked them to take whatever further steps they felt were necessary.

That kind of freaked me out because I didn't know what would happen after HR found out. I was super glad though that I was done working with Tim. So far nothing's happened to me. So I guess if they were going to fire me it would have happened already. Right?

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Two down

Alex sounds like what contagious would look like if it had a face. You hear her cough and just want to pour buckets of Lysol down her throat. She stayed home today and didn't leave her bed, which was stocked with tissues, books, water, and cold medicine.

This morning Josh popped into her bedroom while I was getting ready and came back out shoving something in his pocket. Later I found out he took some of her medicine. It didn't save him. When I got home from work he was asleep on the couch with a box of tissues on his belly.

Now they can be best sick friends. Tonight I made applesauce and chicken soup. I told Danielle to get out while she's still healthy.

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

One down

In the middle of the night Alex woke me up. "I can't breathe." So I gave her my inhaler and went back to sleep. Apparently she just sat there for a few minutes, before waking me up again with the same complaint. I gave her my inhaler again and this time watched to make sure she did it right. We sat in the dark staring at each other. Alex shook her head. Right as she started to say, "It still isn't working," I could tell her lungs opened up. I sent Alex back to bed.

This morning she woke me up over an hour before anyone's alarm was supposed to go off. "I don't feel good." So I told her to stay home. By the time I'd gotten to work she'd texted me twice - that her throat hurt and that her chest hurt. When I called Alex, she cried. I called Doug to make an appointment but the woman told me nothing was available until tomorrow afternoon. I took the appointment to reserve it, and told Alex. She told me she couldn't wait that long and announced she was taking over my inhaler.

I called the office back and asked them to bump me up if anyone cancelled because my sister was really uncomfortable. After work when I was a block away from home, Doug called. I kept walking, and ran up the stairs instead of taking the elevator to get to Alex while he was still on the phone.

I gave Alex my phone and told her to talk to Doug. She sounded so pitiful. I went to change out of my work clothes and Alex came in and laid across the foot of the bed. She told me Doug was emailing a list of things to buy at the pharmacy. I forwarded that to Josh and an hour later Alex was drugged up with Mucinex. Hopefully tomorrow she wakes up better, because Al has a test.

Friday, March 21, 2014

New direction (not about Glee)

The partner I was going to talk with seems super busy. I guess things got backed up from her being out of the office for a couple of days? 

It seems like there was an accident - this guy now thinks we're friends or something. The kind of friends where he can make comments about what I wear each day. And how I look in it. And how my body looks. So we had a little talk today because this is very quickly spiraling out of control.

"We're not friends. We're temporary co-workers, and nothing else. It is highly unprofessional of you to talk about my body in any way. Don't ever do it again. Not to me, not to my boyfriend, not to anyone else. Don't talk about my clothes or how I look in them. You can talk to me about work. Nothing else. At all. If you ever comment on my body again, I will hurt you very, very badly." 

He kind of just stared at me, so I walked away because I didn't know what was supposed to happen next. My earbuds are in basically all the time, and I make it a point to sit facing the door so I can see anyone walking towards me.

Sunday, March 16, 2014

Decision time

Tomorrow I am wearing my best outfit, and Dani has agreed to flat iron my hair for me. Then, I am going to go talk to Scary Partner and ask her if when you're out after work at a bar with work people if somebody says rude things about you that's still considered a problem for the company to handle. Except I may go to Plan B which is to chicken out.

Thursday, March 13, 2014

Just die

I was super nervous going to work today. Josh referred to my boss as Head Camp Counselor - the kind of woman who wins Most School Spirit. On the way in, I came up with a strategy. It was, be super busy, too busy to chat. Kind of a lame plan, but it's all I could think of.

When I got there, nobody else had gotten in yet. But 30 seconds after I had gotten settled in and started working, my boss showed up. She was super enthusiastic about last night and seemed to want me to agree on how great it was. So I said it was fun getting drinks together and meeting her fiance. I wanted her to leave me alone so I could pretend to be super busy before Kiss-Ass got there. My iPod was charged and ready to go.

When Kiss-Ass arrived he tried to ask me questions and I kept saying I needed to get this done, our deadlines are quickly approaching, and he would back off and then start up again. When I went to the bathroom he met me outside the door (who does that?) and was like "Your boyfriend is really scary. Are you in an abusive relationship?"

Really?! You make obnoxious comments about MY body, and think it's Josh who is abusive? I think this is one of those guys who should just never, ever get to know anything at all about my personal life. If Josh were abusive I wouldn't be with him for such a long time. I'd certainly never let him around my sisters alone!

So I told him no. No, I am most certainly not in an abusive relationship. Now please leave me the hell alone and don't ever talk about me or my body to me or anyone else again. When I got home Josh asked me how it went. I just told him it was fine - if Josh knew about the abusive question, it would make him so angry. I feel like this whole thing needs to die.

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

There were no Jewish boys in West Side Story

Each time I'm working on a different client, I have a different boss. At the end of each project, they fill out a thing on me, and that's sort of what my review will be made up of. It's a little scary, because they all have wildly different personalities, but it's also really great because if you click, they can request you for a project in the future.

The person I'm working for now is very "team building-y". I don't know if that's a real thing. But she seriously is one step away from having us all hold hands, close our eyes, and pray around the conference table before we begin working each morning.

There is only one other person at my same level on this project, and he is super kiss-assy to our boss. He even sits up straighter when she walks over to us. I'm honestly surprised he hasn't followed her into the bathroom and offered to wipe for her.

Today, she met with the clients and then told us this week is going to be harsh, and invited us to a happy hour. Kiss-Ass immediately said yes. I was going to do some errands after work and then had a specific dinner planned that isn't fast. Ultimately I agreed to one drink.

Josh met me at the bar we went to, and I got to introduce him to everyone. When I came back from the bathroom I saw him saying something to Kiss-Ass, who then kind of slinked away. Josh's face was dark and angry. I whispered to him "What happened?" Josh shook his head and mouthed later. That only made me even more curious.

On the way home, I asked again. Josh shook his head. "You don't want to know." I argued back. "I have to work with this guy; I DO want to know." Josh told me he made wildly inappropriate comments about my body and what I was like in bed, so Josh threatened him. Oh, well okay then. Can I get fired for this?

I am kind of scared to go to work tomorrow. This is so awkward now. And why the hell would he have made any comment at all about me? That's so weird!

Monday, March 10, 2014

Oh hello stranger, may I ask you some personal questions about your face?

When Alex hit a certain age, my mother decided she needed to bring in more money and got a job as a receptionist through one of the ladies whose clothes she had done for years. When I think of my mom, I think of her as being beautiful. I remember not understanding why she bought a little bag full of makeup before she was about to start her new, fancy job. I didn't understand why she thought she needed all that to look beautiful - she was beautiful just how she was. Ugh, excuse me while I go have a panic attack and cry in the shower.

Okay. So. Um, yeah. I kind of come from the Kristen Stewart school of eye makeup.  When I started working, it was a huge learning curve to tone it down and be less "girl-with-attitude" and more "young-professional." That came about because Josh's mom pulled me aside one day and flat out told me to tone it down.

A few days ago, Dani and I were talking as I was getting ready, and she asked at what age we're supposed to start doing skincare stuff. "We already do it," I told her, gesturing to the Cetaphil and sunscreen we all use. "Ummm ... pretty sure we're supposed to do more than that. Where are our mud masks and moisturizers and stuff?"

I poked around online but got overwhelmed. Apparently there's stuff you do in your 20's, and different stuff in your 30's. But even just within your own decade there's a ton of different options. So we discussed going to Sephora, but it's always so crowded and claustrophobic there. (I don't understand why tourists go to major cities and ten go to chain stores.)

Since that discussion with Dani I've been staring at people on the train who look around my age and have good skin. I wish I could just ask. There's no way to do that though, without risking getting punched. I wish I could remember what my mom had in that bag.

Friday, March 7, 2014

If only she knew

Today at work when I was going to run out for lunch, this girl I don't know well offered to come with me. While we were waiting in line to pay she asked where I shop. Like, for clothes. "My boyfriend and my blog people pick them all out for me." You can't really say that.

When she turned to pay I quickly looked her up and down. Yeah, she needs help. Not mine of course, but somebody's. I am not the most gentle person in the world, so should not be the one to have to tell her "You are wearing ill-fitting clothes that do not fit your specific body." But she wears ill-fitting clothes that do not fit her body. Just because you can squeeze your body into it does not mean you should wear it.

I told her that Macy's has free personal shoppers. On the way home I was thinking about it, and realized that if someone knew nothing about me other than that my boyfriend picked out the majority of my clothes, it would give a totally wrong impression of us.

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Midlife crisis

Alex has been crying for three hours. She claims she just realized she's not going to dance for the rest of her life. Which she's known before - I know, because we've talked about it. I don't want to be rude but ... this all seems kind of over-dramatic. Going from room to room, trying to get everyone to agree with how very crushing it is. Refusing to eat dinner because it's all just too sad.

She disagrees. Alex is all "end of an ERA" and talking about being in mourning and anything that has been discussed in front of her has been twisted around to be sad. Josh said it's as if she's having a midlife crisis - that she's woken up and realized there will soon come a day when she doesn't spend four or five hours each day doing what she loves and being in her happy place.

He is a better person than I am. All I want is for at least one sister, if not both, to move out. Plus, to get a dog.

Sunday, March 2, 2014

Returning home

I got home last night around 7:30. Josh gave me soup (that at first I mistakenly thought he made but later realized he bought) and then started the shower and I was in bed by 9pm. This morning I didn't even wake up until 8:30! Josh told me it was much less weird being home alone with my sisters than he worried it would be. I had worried about it a couple of times last week, but it all happened so fast we didn't really have time to process it.

Tomorrow I have to drop off all my work clothes that came on my trip and pay extra for them to rush cleaning them. It seems like there should have been a better way, but maybe that way is to have more clothes. Or finding a dry-cleaner that's open on Sundays maybe?

Alex and Dani told me Josh can't cook for shit but he's always down for being told what to do or ordering in. Josh told me they're both bossy and will always go after what they want or need. I hope he's right.

Thursday, February 27, 2014

My beautiful work life

I just got back to my hotel room 20 minutes ago and showered. I need to know what you people do, who were talking about taking pictures, how many drinks to have, meeting fancy clients, all the sight-seeing, etc. Because none of that happens here.

I get up at 6am, go work out, shower and get dressed, grab yogurt and fruit, and then leave. We are expected at the conference room by 8 a.m. Lunch is brought in. Around 3pm this guy Neal and I go for a 10 minute walk to breathe outside air and look farther than two feet in front of our faces. Dinner is brought in. People start leaving around 10:30 or 11 p.m. I try to be third or second to last and never first to leave. I'm scared to be last to leave.

The people at the company are not happy we're here. If we ask them for information, and they sigh and roll their eyes. "I'll get it to you when I get to it." That's great but we have a deadline when we're supposed to have finished. That deadline is given to us by their bosses. We are definitely working all day Saturday. If we get told to work Sunday I honestly won't be surprised.

Monday, February 24, 2014

I don't wanna go

North Carolina. A guy at work told me today all this notice is very lucky (found out Saturday afternoon), and that he's sometimes been sent home from work in the middle of the day and given two hours to pack and get to the airport. That is just crazy!

I was told to expect to be there through Saturday. I am not sure if that means we go home Saturday night or Sunday, but am pretty sure it means we are working this Saturday.

The two-hours-notice guy also said I should plan to spent 12 hours a day working, and maybe have enough energy to work out in the hotel gym before collapsing. Oh, and that most meals are fast food or from chain restaurants. Which is why I am baking homemade granola right now to pack, and have already looked up where the nearest farmer's market is, just in case there's time to run there to stock up on apples and citrus.

Can I just say, thank goodness Josh is not a spur of the moment take you on a trip kind of person? Because I can not pack this fast. Alex wandered by (all the stuff I'm considering taking is spread out all over the living room) and tried to help. "Don't take too many black tank tops. You're going to the South; they'll think you believe in the devil." Well thanks.


Tell me everything I need to know about traveling for work! I had to work Saturday and got told I may get sent to a business trip. To say I am panicking would be like saying there was a small kerfluffle in Russia. What if I have to share a hotel room with the manager on the project? That will be so awkward!

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

How is that even possible?!

Today I forgot to eat. Or drink. All day. Around 4pm I got a little dizzy which was when I noticed. It was kind of snack time but I couldn't find anything to eat that was healthy. Plus, I was meeting Josh at 7pm for a restaurant dinner. Chugging a ton of water held me over for three hours. When we met, I told Josh, and he shook his head. "That would never happen to any guy I know. How is that even possible? Sometimes I eat two dinners!" Yes, I've noticed.

The dinner was really good but I didn't feel like eating any more than I usually do. When we got home, Josh asked me to put reminders in my calendar twice a day to help me remember to eat each day. He kind of stood over me while I did it, and it made me feel small and I didn't like it.

Sunday, February 9, 2014


One of the reasons I want a dog is it seems like it would be really relaxing. Maybe I'm wrong though because so far, trying to find a dog is really stressful. We reached out to foster organizations and are trying to get to see dogs. It's turning out to be kind of hard to connect with them. Josh feels very firmly that he wants to "click" with a dog and is convinced he will, with the right dog for us. We went out to Long Island and it felt a little overwhelming to be honest. Josh didn't feel like he clicked with any of the dogs there. We agreed we both have to fall in love with the dog we're going to take home. It feels like we're on hold. So much for just going out one weekend to pick up a cute dog. I hadn't realized how big of a process it is. Maybe this is good that it takes so long - guess you need patience when you have a dog, so this process lets us practice.

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Like the closest friend you hate but can't shake

Last night Josh asked if being poor would have been less of a big deal to me if Dani and Alex hadn't been my responsibility. I think so. You can totally be poor and be happy besides that. But it's outrageously scary to be in charge of other people and not feel like you have the means to take care of them. I don't understand how Aunt Elaine never seemed at all bothered by all the things that bothered us. The endless roaches. The small space. The needles in the hallways and stairwells of the building. The random trails of blood. Hearing people being abused throughout the night. That one light-switch that sometimes worked, sometimes didn't. The kitchen cabinets that always seemed like they'd fall off the wall. The way things beyond your control go wrong even when you're given an opportunity to pull yourself up.

At work, I found a way for this company, my company's client, to save over three million dollars a year. It was such a shock that I checked like four times, because surely there's no way the only person who could find this pocket of money would be me. I'm new! How did they not notice this before? I showed my manager, and he barely blinked. Like it was nothing. Which I guess it is, to a multi-million dollar company. How could they not care? I went home and cried in the shower. 15 year-old me could have really put even a tiny fraction of that money to very good use.

Sometimes Josh is convinced it bothers me that he's so well off. It doesn't. What bothers me is when it seems like he doesn't appreciate it. What bothers him is I can't stop counting how much everything costs, even though he also likes it and uses it. When we're food shopping and he looks at what we have and asks how much we're up to, he loves that I can glance and give him an amount that's within two dollars of the total.

I am just sad. And feel guilty. And really angry about that $3 million. And I hate having All the Feelings.

Sunday, February 2, 2014

All the dogs in the city

I sort of got Josh on board with my goal of a little white fluffball (he claims to want a big dog but has agreed that type of dog should have a lot of space) and we went to look at dogs this weekend. After doing research we found out you have to provide references, so Josh's parents are going to be one (thank goodness we're not married yet and still have different last names), and our across the hall neighbors will be one also. 

It was not a good experience. Firstly, almost all the dogs were pit bull mixes. I have zero interest in any sort of pit bull. There were a few chihuahuas. I don't want one of those either. The people at the shelter vacillated between either trying to talk us into wanting dogs we had already told them we weren't interested in, or acting like we were dog-beaters who aren't qualified to adopt a dog.

We were pretty set on getting a dog from an animal shelter but if this is how they're going to be ...? Josh did some poking around and found this shelter on Long Island that's supposed to be pretty amazing, so we're going to rent a car and go there next weekend. His mom has to rent it for us because we're not old enough so she's going to come too. I really hope the other shelter will be different. This was just such an awful experience, and made me kind of just want to get a fish and give up. Wouldn't you think they would avoid trying to scare off prospective dog owners? And that they would try to find you the type of dog you want so you don't get say ... a pit bull because you were talked into it, and then you return it later. Ugh.

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

The time is now

Josh announced last night that he wants to get a dog now. Like, this weekend. I have wanted a dog for a long, long time. A little white fluffball of a dog, but not so little that it fits in all your purses. But little enough you could easily carry a special dog bag with the dog in it. So like 15 pounds. Plus my little white fluffball wouldn't shed. I don't know if this exists, but I feel like the work of having a dog will go over the tipping point if part of having it is running around cleaning up hair every day.

When I asked Josh what about when we have long days out of the house, he turned away and mumbled something I couldn't hear. "What?" I asked. "Doggie daycare," he answered. Seriously?! This is a real thing? I would be so embarrassed to take a dog to a daycare. "Okay, then the other option is hiring a dog walker to come here in the middle of the day to take the dog out," Josh offered. I don't know about this. Even though we don't even have a dog yet I already feel protective of it and would worry about some random stranger coming into our home and taking our dog. I just don't know if we're ready for a dog.

Thursday, January 16, 2014

The day I bought a brownie (that was already made)

Cooking is my friend. Some people watch tv and smoke weed. I cook and bake and bake and cook. I'm becoming friends with this gay guy at work and he mentioned something the other day about how when you go to anyone's house you always look in their bathroom cabinet. Not me. I try to peek in their kitchen cabinets. Other people get bored at your house and suggest playing with your makeup. I get bored at your house and suggest making stuff out of whatever you've got in the cabinets. Once, at Becca's house, she passed out when I was sleeping over. So I took a pad of post-its and wrote comments about each bit of food in the fridge and freezer. Really obnoxious comments. Like, "Freezer-burned, congealed scabs off a mad cow." Maybe I was drunk, whatever. Anyway.

So today I stopped at the store on the way home from work to pick up fish for dinner, and found this little package of two brownies. There was absolutely nothing special about them. I could make these at home in my sleep. But the fish was on sale, I liked the look of the brownies, so I bought them. Immediately upon arriving home, I hid the brownies. What I was doing with them hadn't been thought out. Was a whole fancy dessert being created around these? I didn't know.

After dinner I thought about cutting each brownie in half and giving everybody some. Didn't happen. Grabbed a bowl, grabbed my brownie package, grabbed Josh, and dragged us into the bedroom. I broke off a tiny bit of brownie to taste first, to confirm it tasted how I imagined. Seriously, all my brownie dreams came true. I'm not even a huge chocolate fan but this was totally a foodgasm. I broke off a bigger piece and pushed it in Josh's mouth. He looked happy, then confused.

Josh: You bought this?
Me: Yeah.
Josh: With money?
Me: I know.
Josh: It's so good!
Me: I know!
Josh: Your brownies are great too. I don't want ...
Me: No I get it. Totally. It's why I bought this.
Josh: How did you know?
Me: I just knew.
Josh: ... you bought a brownie. In a store.

When we'd finished the first brownie I took the package away. Sometimes a food is so good that if you overdose it'll kill your love for it. And I want to continue loving this brownie package. Later, getting ready for bed, Josh said it again, but quietly to himself. "She bought a brownie, in the store."

Apparently this is how I keep our relationship interesting.

Monday, January 13, 2014

Rich Bitch

I earn a lot of money now. Sometimes I check my bank balance just because it makes me feel good to see all that savings. It's reassuring.

Alex wants me to buy her an iPad. That's what she says, but I think she kind of more wants to just have something fancy bought for her. Josh has an iPad, and when he got his new version he gave me his old one, which I rarely use. Well, I use it almost every day, but never at the times Alex would use it.

Basically Alex just wants to feel special. We got in a huge fight a few weeks ago, and another one yesterday. I pointed out to her that I would be happy to get her something special if she acted like someone who deserved such things. Which made her act worse. It included calling me a rich bitch, saying I am finally lucky and leaving everyone else behind.

Well yes. People who work full time will have more money than people who go to school full time. Alex babysits once or twice a week. When Danielle and I were in high school we worked a lot more than that. Alex doesn't realize though, that as soon as I got my job, I started paying more rent, to get things closer to equal.

I kind of want to charge Alex rent, just because she's so unappreciative. Except when you're in high school you shouldn't really have to pay rent. To be honest, I'm really sad. It never occurred to me that we wouldn't be friends.

Thursday, January 9, 2014

My shoulder blade hurts a little

Hey, have you heard that it's been kind of cold out in the Northeast? It is. Nobody strolls down the street. Everybody rushes, to get out of the cold. Today I was crossing the street, and the woman in front of me was walking slower than I was comfortable walking, so I side-stepped her and then was next to someone else. Then I started crossing the other street, and a little more than halfway across I felt something hit my shoulder, and it hit again and again, harder each time.

This is so dumb, but I wanted to turn to see what it was, knew if I turned it would hit my face, and it didn't occur to me at all to turn around towards the left instead of the right. I don't know why. People started saying something, yelling, and somebody on the other side pulled me away even though half a second ago it was a tight crowd and there'd been nowhere to move away.

When I got pulled away, I saw. It was an old man hitting me with a cane. A cane that was like a tire iron. He apparently liked walking next to the slower woman but didn't like walking next to me. So instead of just dropping back to walk next to her, he decided the way to handle it was to hit me.

After I was out of his reach he got angry that he couldn't hit me anymore and his screaming intensified. He was going on and on about hating it here. So I screamed back at him. "SO LEAVE! Who the fuck do you think wants you here?!" Some lady told me to calm down and dragged me over to a nearby tiny restaurant. She bought me a coffee. I shook my head no, but she shoved it at me, "Drink, drink. Calm down." Turned out it was a Vietnamese coffee, so it was really good, and I actually did feel the adrenaline go down.

A couple of other people came over and asked about calling the police. I said no, the calm-down lady said no, that I was fine, and a guy leaned out into the street and yelled no cops. It turns out a few people had surrounded the old man and taken away his cane.

When I came home and told Josh what happened, he wanted to see. I'd taken Tylenol to make the swelling go down, but Josh said it looks terribly swollen anyway. That it's going to look even worse tomorrow. I'm not looking forward to waking up tomorrow.

Monday, January 6, 2014

Not normal

Josh's grandparents gave me a big giftcard to Anthropologie for Hanukah, and this weekend Dani and I went to go use it. She brought a friend of hers from school, and the girl thought we were nuts. We kept saying to each other, "Do we like this?" because we share so much of our clothing that it's more cost-effective to buy stuff we both like.

Dani's friend couldn't believe we compromise that way. At first it really annoyed me and I was super angry about her comments. Then I realized that we're getting closer to the time when we're not going to be living together anymore and maybe we need to start thinking about splitting up our clothes. That makes me sad.

When we got home and were alone, I asked Dani if she had any idea when she'd want to move out and if she'd thought about how we'd deal with our clothes. Dani looked at me like I'm an idiot. "You get your work clothes and I get everything else." Um, what? Why wouldn't I get any of the good, fun clothes? She wasn't kidding. It made me want to kick her out.

Friday, December 27, 2013

I basically did nothing at work today

Basically nobody was there, so in total I did about two hours of work. A partner showed up at almost 4 p.m. I helped her solve a furniture location problem in her office. I did a ton of research on thread-counts of sheets (synopsis: more is better). Wrote out menus for meals. Made a grocery list based on those. At one point, when literally nobody else was there, I did about a half hour of yoga.

It's not exactly clear why I was told it was necessary to come in today. Basically everybody else managed to take this week off. I wonder if people lied about being away this week to get out of work.

My sister is having an identity crisis. I am low on sympathy. I am a bitter bitch. This is sort of an extreme example, but you never hear of someone starving in Ethiopia having an eating disorder. My sister has this luxury of freaking out because she's been spoiled. So minimal sympathy. This is why having three siblings is good - because the other one listens to her whine when I won't.

Josh gave me a Christmas present that ... I don't quite understand. He was very excited about it - something about getting through the airports, security and background checks? I have conquered the bedding thing and these days I begin the search two months ahead of time, and once Josh agrees he likes what I picked, he tells his mother that's what we want (I think). Still don't understand why it needs to be replaced each year but I've given up and just accepted this is how they do life.

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Experience life

Old people love telling everyone what they need to do and how they should live their lives. Old people need to shut the fuck up. Here is how every conversation goes:

Old person: Sooooooo ... are you dating anyone special?
Me: yes.
Old person: That's lovely! How long have you been together?
Me: we've dated all through college (i know, longer than that, but trust me)
Old person: Oh honey! You need to get out into the world and experience life! Date lots of different boys. You need to see what else is out there!

Alternative Response:

Old person: All that time and he hasn't proposed yet? You need to dump him and get out there to experience life! Date someone who's ready to settle down.

Old people are idiots. I've experienced tons of life. And Josh has proven himself four billion times over. He hasn't proposed yet because we're not sure yet, and we're both okay with that. People don't know what they're talking about. I am tempted to just answer that I'm single, and focusing on my career so not interested in dating.

Monday, December 16, 2013


It's making me sad how little I'm cooking. Tonight I made a rack of lamb with gremolata, butternut squash risotto (not really sure those are supposed to go together, but whatever), and asparagus.

When I make fancy things, I like to make one super simple thing with it so nobody is intimidated. Or something. Not really sure why - it just feels like balance. Josh got me a pizzelle iron so I made a few batches of pizzelles this morning.

Today was like a full-food day. All I did was play with food, all day. In the morning I wrote out what we're having each night for dinner and made a shopping list. Then I dragged Alex with me to go food shopping. Then I put everything away in the order it'll be needed.

Some people do meatless Mondays. Tomorrow I'm doing Monday meatloaf. Apparently Josh's mom made meatloaf once and it was really dry, so he spent years thinking he hated meatloaf. On Tuesday I'm making some sort of fish that I'll buy that day. I want to get better at this. All I ever make is salmon or scallops for the most part. It's time to expand. In looking at recipes I found a good one for ... bourbon-encrusted salmon, and a scallop piccata. It's like a fish-disease or something.

Wednesday is going to be meatless Monday, with some sort of broccoli and rotini thing. I'll figure out the details when the water is boiling. Thursday will be chicken parm with grilled eggplant and Josh made reservations for Friday.

In an ideal world, I would work from 8am to 3pm, then go work out for an hour, then buy and cook dinner.

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Alcoholic in the making

If you add together all the hours of class and work, I actually work about five to ten hours fewer per week than I did in college, but somehow this is so much harder. Maybe it's because this is my career and if I get fired the stakes are so much bigger. When I get home all I want to do is collapse and not think. It's easy to understand how adults become alcoholics. Here is how I would drink if it wouldn't make me one: 

1. First glass of wine right when I come in the door and collapse on my bed. Possibly with a bendy straw.
2. Second glass of wine while drinking making dinner.
3. Third glass of wine with dinner. Possibly a second third glass.
4. Fourth glass of wine after dinner. 
That's one bottle right there.
5. Fifth drink that's not wine but still alcohol. 

Josh has been given the task of not letting me drink more than one glass of wine each night. I have water when I get home, then half a glass while making dinner, the other half a glass while eating, and then switch back to water. How on earth does everyone make it through? 

Thursday, December 5, 2013

So I got in trouble at work

We got sent to work at a client's office and they are expanding into the suite next door to theirs. Lots of construction is being done, and it's very dusty. On Monday I picked particles of something out of my mouth. At the end of the day I wanted to vacuum out fiberglass (not really sure that's what it was, but I decided that's what it felt like) from my lungs and eyes. The dust was so bad that it was creeping under the door into the office we had been working in. Our client told us to work from home Tuesday. Our manager was on vacation so I emailed him to let him know we couldn't stay in the office while all that construction was going on. The other two guys I am working with decided the client is always right so Tuesday they would be staying home from work.

On Tuesday I went to our office instead of our client's. I was able to get about five hours of work done for our client and then did another two hours of random admin stuff. Today I went back to the client's office and it was MUCH less dusty. It was very cold - they'd left the windows open overnight to air out the place. Today our manager was back from vacation, and showed up totally furious that we listened to our client and didn't show up.

Even worse than that, he totally humiliated me by announcing to the two guys that at least I worked on Tuesday. I am a little confused about what we did wrong. They are always telling us to do what the client says, jump when they say, follow their dress code, listen to the client. But apparently when they say to do something that would be fun for us, we shouldn't listen to the client anymore? I don't understand. Work is hard, yo.

Monday, November 25, 2013

Mondays are big

However the last week went, I am always excited for Mondays. Even if I don't like where I'm going or who I'll be working with at a client's office. The weekend scrubs it all clean, and I feel ready to not hate, to not envision punching people. On Mondays I wear my favorite outfit and blow my hair out extra straight.

Josh once said I am a silent competitor. Not much smack talk, but I notice and then quietly do better. Some people drag themselves in on Mondays, clearly still hungover. My energy and lack of dark circles annoys them. I made it a point to get really trashed at least once a year in college, because getting it all out of my system seemed important. Now I am one of those grownup drinkers - two glasses of wine with dinner, only happy hours once a week, and I feel better. I am a control freak and totally in control of my drinking.

It was so much fun while I was doing it, but I am glad Maureen (my manager) is not giving me that pity-smile she gives the guy who comes in with his weekend stories that all start with, "Okay, we're totally wasted at this bar, right?" I think she sticks to the two-drink maximum also.

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Wrong team, honey

Poor, poor Alikins. Last spring she had a huge crush from afar on this drummer at her school. This summer, Alex grew a set of boobs and decided to conquer her crush upon returning to school. She has had strategic planning meetings with friends and everything.

Today Alex came home looking terrible. She went straight to bed and stayed there, I heard. Josh tried to talk to her while I was cooking dinner but got nowhere. After dinner we went in together to check on her. Josh sat on the dresser and I sat across the foot of Al's bed.

She told us her sad saga, about how she spent all of September flirting, October hanging out and flirting, and then today she went in for the kill. The drummer let her down very gently. So gently in fact, that Alex didn't catch what he was saying about why his answer was no, only that his answer was no.

As I was sitting there, shaking with laughter, Josh laid it all out for Alex. "Dude's gay. Wrong team, honey. Sorry." Al's jaw dropped.

Guess who is already planning her stomachache to avoid school tomorrow?

Thursday, November 7, 2013

Like the angel and the devil

God and I have had a rocky relationship for over a decade now for obvious reasons. I definitely believe there's some sort of ... higher power going on. Every once in a while the world just tilts in your direction and you feel like someone is looking out for you, or turning you in the right direction.

People like to give a lot of job advice. When they give it, it's always with 100% assurance that they are telling you the absolute correction thing. Sometimes it's hard to know who to listen to when so many people are saying such conflicting things.

After each client I work on, the manager who I work with writes up a review of me, of my work. What about when there's more than one manager? How come sometimes I'm interacting more with one manager than the other but then get told the one I barely said a word to is the one who'll be writing my review?

I am working with these two guys who seem to be best friends. They are a couple of years ahead of me. They always arrive within 10 minutes of each other. Then they go out to pick up breakfast together. Mid-morning they always go out for coffee together, then to lunch together, then mid-afternoon out to get another coffee or a snack. It's kind of a miracle they're not fat.

One guy is kind of cool (when he's not around his friend) and will joke around and have real conversations with you. The other guy is just an arrogant prick. If you say hi to him, he'll nod back at you. In the elevator, he always pushes past me to get out first, after not acknowledging he knows me. Even if we're in a conversation wit three or four other people, he'll talk to only the people he's friends with or the ones who are higher up than he is.

The first guy is always asking people if they need help, if they want an extra set of hands, always going one step ahead. When I commented to him about it, you know what he did? Promptly told me how his arrogant friend (who never does those things), is really very smart. How kind is that?

Today I got told the two guys are a great example for me. I see them as being very different though. If I were to be like the obnoxious guy, it doesn't seem like I'd get very far.

*Apparently it's not appropriate to curse at work. Today I was looking at something on the computer and this guy came over to look at it too. I had taken off my blazer and the guy glanced at my arm and was like "Are you bleeding?" and it turned out I was! There was blood all over my upper arm. I said, "holy shit!" and went to go stop the bleeding. Later somebody told me I can't curse at work, especially around clients.

Monday, November 4, 2013

Run harder

Well, we ran in the New York City marathon this weekend. All 26+ miles of it. I wore Asics Gel Kayanos. Now that I've done it, I never want to run again unless someone is chasing me with a gun. Sure, there was the runner's high. But it wasn't that high that I want to be one of those runners who is always telling everyone their time and how many miles they just ran.

Someone suggested that I take today off from work, and it was one of the most brilliant suggestions ever. Josh's parents arranged for us to see a podiatrist and that was really weird. I have a bruise on the ball of my left foot and a mildly sprained right ankle. We also got massages today, and except for when they were pressing on the bruise on the bottom of my foot it felt really good. I almost feel back to normal. If normal involves a small limp.

The Runners are so supportive of Baby Runners (I am making these terms up). One of them ran up next to me and gave me this whole speech about how you don't want to run faster or harder, but to run more thoroughly. I had no idea what she meant, but she was so enthusiastic that I thanked her and thought about it for a mile or two before giving up. I ran harder. That's what got me through. One foot in front of the other, harder and harder until you get there. We weren't last. We weren't first. I ran hard.

When I went to bed last night it felt like I was still moving. A couple of times I woke up with my legs moving.

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

No more secrets

There were two secrets I kept from Josh for a long time. One: this blog. Two: that I always screw up paying the cable bill.

I was really nervous coming clean about the blog, because in doing that a promise promptly had to be extracted that he would never tell my sisters. When I told Josh, he asked what I write about. I told him that night I'd written about food and the night before I'd written about school. You could see the thought bubble float across his head. BO-RING! He thinks it's good that I have an outlet.

Despite the fact that I'm too retarded to pay the cable bill consistently, I forced Josh to let me be the one pays the bills. About once every three or four months I forget to pay. I never notice, until we get a threatening notice to shut off service. Or when the tv doesn't work and I have to call and pay over the phone. When Josh notices, I have gone and "figured it out" and he thinks I'm like this super IT wizard.

Today I came home to find the internet down and the tv not working. Oh, and Josh frantically pressing buttons. Whoops. Alex was staring at me with wide eyes at the idea that Josh was going to find out. When he announced that he was going to call to yell at them I knew my secret had to come out.

"I think I forgot to pay the bill. I can just pay it and everything will work again." I hadn't known it was possible for Alex's eyes to get any bigger, but they did, as her jaw dropped. But he needed to know. Josh was going to yell at some poor telephone person.

He doesn't understand. Granted, there's no real explanation besides "this is just something I do." I feel bad. The accountant who can't pay her bills on time. But at least all the secrets are out now.

Monday, October 14, 2013

Staying and staying silent

Neither of my sisters are moving out. Danielle wants to live with me without Josh, but living with other people is only something she wants happening when she's out of the country. Alex is underage and a follower. She's not going anywhere.

Josh and I go running almost every day. I like running with Josh. Sometimes we talk in the beginning, but then stop talking and just concentrate on running, and putting one foot in front of another. I don't know what he thinks about; my brain is going a hundred miles an hour at first but after the first few miles everything clears and no thinking happens. I just listen to the rhythm of my feet hitting the ground and my breathing working in time with my feet. It's almost like dancing.

Josh told me today that at the end of our run I often give him a big shit-eating grin, and then asked what that's about. I don't know. "I didn't say anything funny ... or anything at all," he pointed out. I know. In that moment, with him, I'm just happy. Silently.

Sunday, October 13, 2013


  1. I have become a person who uses "running out for lunch" as a euphemism for going to get waxed. Then I just stop at Jamba Juice for an oatmeal and hard-boiled egg on my way back and claim there was a really long line.
  2. My sister made red snapper with a kale salad the other night for dinner. We all felt too healthy so headed out for Dunkin' Donuts afterwards.
  3. Work is weirdly competitive. I think sometimes they lie about how late they worked, or if they even really did go back to work after happy hour. 
  4. I am training for the marathon. It's in November.
  5. Because of #4 I am not going to a lot of happy hours and am not drinking too much when I go. 
  6. Grownups are surprisingly into peer pressure surrounding drinking. 
  7. I think Josh is going to give me a new iPhone for my birthday. He is getting the 5s and I said something about switching over to his old phone when he upgrades, but he made a face.
  8. It would be nice if my mother were alive to hem my work clothes. I mean, it'd be nice if she were alive for a lot of reasons, but this is a new one.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

It could always be worse

When you're told during training that if you work past a certain time you can spend a certain amount on dinner, you think "Oh, well that won't happen that much, it's probably just in case." When you're told that if you work past a certain time at night you can take a car service or cab to get home, you think, "That's so sweet of them, to want to be sure you get home safely."

No. This is not "just in case" stuff. Everyone at home was reaching out to me. "What's planned for dinner?" "I'm hungry; how long after you get home will dinner be ready?" At first I was saying a half hour, then a half hour more. Then I told Alex to make the salad. Danielle could marinate the fish.

Finally I went to the manager and asked how she saw the night unfolding. (That was my attempt at asking how long we'd have to stay without actually saying that.) When she told me it would be a few more hours I let my sisters know they should eat dinner without me.

I was sitting in front of a bunch of spreadsheets feeling sorry for myself when I heard this guy Neil. "Why am I logged out? Why can't I log in? To ANYTHING? Why aren't any of my log-ins working?" The manager looked up. "Because you're FIRED!"

She was kidding. It was a glitch. But holy shit can you imagine? I can not stop thanking the universe that was not me.

Monday, September 30, 2013

I don't want to compete

On my first day of kindergarten I sat between my mother's legs as she did my hair. She told me there would be nice kids and mean kids, and sometimes the mean kids are louder and easier to notice but that just means I have to look harder for the nice kids. That I had a decision to make every single day, of whether I wanted to be a nice kid or a mean kid. Would people be seeking me out or trying to avoid me?

Last week one morning I was doing my hair before work and thought of that. Because all the bitchy people at work were getting me down. A manager at work asked me to get her a coffee and when I went in the kitchen it took me a while, to figure out how to use the machine. I felt So Stupid, So Poor, for not knowing how to use it.

Whenever I feel poor I feel alone. It's not being poor that makes you feel badly. It's feeling alone in the poorness that feels bad. The crazy thing is, I'm not poor now. I have a really good job. Every morning before I leave for work I have to remind myself of that. Any day now it will kick in.

The other people are not better than me. I am much luckier than so many other people. Money doesn't buy everything you need. In some ways I am much richer than other people. Over and over and over again.