Done and over

Not sure why but this weekend seemed really long, and not in a good way. I am so totally exhausted. Slept until almost noon, did homework, made dinner and then lunch for tomorrow. Now I am ready to collapse.

Josh asked if I was going to want to decorate for Christmas. My aunt never did, but my mother did. I don't know what happened to all my mom and nana's decorations. Alex very much wants to decorate and I'd kind of like to also; Danielle is whatever. Josh wants to decorate for Channukah. So I am not sure how this is all going to shake out.

Best Thanksgiving since 2000

We didn't celebrate Thanksgiving in 2001. Aunt Elaine offered to get us turkey frozen microwave dinners and Danielle and I said no (Alex was on a talking strike at the time).

In 2000 my nana made Thanksgiving with my mother. Topher worked that morning and then brought two friends, a girl who let me play with her makeup, and a fire widow. My nana had some of her old people friends, and my mom had some random Russian girl (or somewhere in Eastern Europe) who had asked my mother for a job but settled for a friend in addition to some other random friends. Oh, and we had the Chinese guy who owned the corner store come too, because he didn't have anywhere else to go.

Topher said he would give Dani a dollar if she took the turkey out of the oven. She had the oven rack pulled out before somebody stopped her and yelled at him. Then Dani cried because she thought she wouldn't get her dollar.

Somebody brought Hawaiian biscuit things and Alex ate like four of them. We were allowed to eat pie the next day for breakfast. My nana wouldn't sit down until everyone had food on their plates.

This year we went to Josh's house. Alex made pumpkin cookies with me this morning to bring, and Danielle got flowers. Josh kept saying we didn't have to bring anything, but I don't think we could really walk in empty-handed.

We were sent home with some many leftovers that we won't be cooking any lunch or dinner until Monday, at the earliest.

I'm cheating on my mother

I switch my phone between vibrate and ring a thousand times each day. On vibrate as I walk into class, ring as I walk out of class. On vibrate as I walk into work, ring as I walk out. Today Josh's dad called during one of my classes. As I walked out I called him back on his work number, worried about what he would say. Something is wrong with Josh? They found out he's been taking stuff from their kitchen to bring to ours? Something else?

The whole time we were going through the hi-how-are-yous, I was thinking, "Get to the point!" After a couple of minutes, Josh's father told me his mom was going to dinner and a show with friends and asked if I'd like to meet him for dinner tonight. "By myself?" It came out really squeaky and I was embarrassed right away. But yes, he meant just me, and said he spoke with Josh already who agreed to supervise my sisters through homework and dinner.

After school I raced home to change into nice clothes and then raced to the theater district meet Josh's dad at Per Se. I was running late and barely got there on time, and was kind of sweaty and frazzled when I arrived. This is not how you want to be walking into a restaurant so fancy there are no prices on the menu. That always makes me nervous.

So we get seated and Josh's father is asking how school is going, if tutoring is bringing in as much as the diner job did, how my sisters are doing. I couldn't figure out why we were doing this. It was bothering me, which pissed me off because I couldn't enjoy the fancy meal.

Finally after dessert comes, Josh's dad says he's sure I'm wondering why he asked me out to dinner. When I admit yes, that I was worried something was wrong, he laughs and tells me the reason. That every Sunday when me and my sisters go to our fire family dinners and Josh goes to their house, they've come to the decision that they are worried about me. That I am spending so much energy on watching over my sisters, and working at school and work, but nobody is watching over me.

It made me feel bad. Like everyone looks at me and sees someone missing a huge piece of something that I didn't notice. There were tears in my eyes and I got embarrassed and looked down so Josh's father wouldn't see. This was the point when I was angriest - that the nice meal was officially ruined.

Josh's dad went on to say that he and his wife would like to check in with me about once a week, and that they wanted to demonstrate that they cared about what is going on. I'm not explaining it as well as he did. I felt like such shit. For eight years I have been telling myself I don't need what I don't have and to have someone else deciding there's this gaping hole and they want to fill it? I know they mean it in a really nice way and I should be thankful, but if I am then that screws up being able to do life without needing it.

Fired and McDonalds

Today I had tutoring with my chubby Chinese boy. He is doing so well now. I think a huge part of his problem was just confidence. He didn't want to try because there was such a big difference between what he and his twin brother could do. Today I gave him a 22-word spelling test and he only got two and a half wrong (the half was that he wrote a U upside down so it looked like an N). His mother is very happy and was all smiles when she told me I was fired, her son was good enough now.

She said she will give my number to her friends whose kids are behind.

McDonalds has an eggnog milkshake. Alex has been begging for two weeks. After I got home from being fired it felt like a good time to go eat crappy food, so we got one. It was so sweet, I choked a couple of times. It took Alex almost the whole way home to admit it was too sweet for her, that even the smallest option gave too much. We got home and Danielle was making all kinds of pumpkin sweets. Pumpkin cookies, pumpkin brownies, pumpkin bread, pumpkin pie.

At one point I told Danielle that it seemed like a LOT of food. She agreed, told me she got carried away and was worried we would get sick of pumpkin food and wind up wasting money. So I portioned it out into four parts. One part we froze, one part to eat now, one part to give Josh's parents and one part we brought to fire family dinner tonight.

That's it?

We went to a party tonight. Alex was very excited that I was going to my first college party. I don't have the heart to tell her it's the same as a high school party. Actually, it's a little more lame.

It's so easy to tell which people are trying extra-hard because they're all wearing skinny jeans. They act drunk after one drink. I went with Josh but we split up a couple of minutes after walking in. A guy from Virgina was dropping lines on me that were so cheesy I asked him if they ever worked on anyone else. At one point he took my hand and tried to look deep into my eyes, except the entire time he was glancing around. I don't know if it was to check out the other girls to see if there was someone hotter/more naive or if it was to see if anyone was noticing him talking with me.

When Josh and I left he stopped at a trash can on the street and threw something out. When I asked what it was, he told me, "Numbers" and took my hand to get us walking again. Now that I've gone, there doesn't seem to be a point in going to another one unless they're all wildly different.

I'm disappointed. Josh suggested we throw a party, a much better one. All I need to do first is get some friends to invite.

Skirted

At the end of every summer my mother used to get tons of Catholic school girls parading through our house to get their plaid skirts hemmed. This was my favorite thing ever. I thought those girls were so outrageously cool with their perfectly starched white shirts, the black and white shoes, the skirts that flared when you twirled.

I would be totally lying if I told you I never sneaked at least one skirt and tried it on each year.

So it's awesome that Glee and Rachel Berry are really popular now, because this means catholic school skirts are in style! Of course I'm not going to wear them like Rachel Berry does, probably more like Cher Horowitz in Clueless, but with fewer layers.

Now I'm staking out Goodwills all over the city to find the perfect skirt. It has to be one Dani likes too because she's also into the idea.

Working it

As much as I bitch about work sometimes I really like working. You get money so much faster by working, and so much more, than when you just look for pennies on the sidewalk. It's good to be in control of what you can do instead of waiting for someone else to dole out however much money they've decided they want to give you. (Poor Alex.)

It's nice to be around adults who don't have five thousand rules, like in school. You can go to the bathroom whenever you want. If your boss sends you to pick up coffee or donuts or something, they always give you money to get something for yourself. If you hurt yourself they want to know you're okay and ask if you need a cab home, to go to the doctor, and that's just for a paper cut.

Today at tutoring the nanny was making flan and sent me home with some. We had it for dessert. It was so good that we are going to make it this weekend.

Advantages to having a boy around

1. We eat dinner earlier now because even if I can't get home until 7 or 7:30 Josh will start making dinner if he's home. You'd think my sisters could just start their homework while waiting for dinner but when you're too hungry to concentrate well on what you're doing it doesn't go well. Both of them have told me there's less fighting among them in the evenings.

2. He points things out to me, like that I've been mildly sick pretty much since we moved in, and that I routinely get only four to five hours of sleep each night. Despite not being retarded - I swear - I never noticed this. So for this week bedtime is going to be midnight or 1am at the latest.

3. You know how sometimes it's really hard to open a jar, so you put extra muscle into it and you get it but then your hand hurts for a while? Now, no need!

Food is best

when it's cooked by grownups. Or maybe Josh is just not a good cook yet, I don't know. I'm still sick but when it was time to leave for our fire family dinner I was showered and dressed for the first time since Thursday. Danielle called them earlier today and said I didn't have a flu but was still sick. The wife insisted I come over if I felt up to it.

Walked in the door, laid down on the couch and didn't get up again until it was time to go home. She came to sit with me for a while and rubbed my back for a while. It made me cry, in the good way. They gave me eggs and toast instead of the regular dinner food.

I wasn't hungry all day but the second the plate was in front of me it was like, thank god because I was suddenly starving.

Down

Some sort of bug that involves puking a lot and sleeping even more. I've puked so much that I can feel it in my heartbeats. Today I slept until almost 6pm and only woke up because a girl from school called. Sure, the very first time I get invited to something on a day when I'm actually not working, I'm too sick to go. So bummed.

I wonder how long it takes

for it to stop being weird to live with a boy. Or maybe Josh is just more difficult than other boys? Or maybe I just don't adjust well to change?

Josh told me that he was going to start dinner and realized he needed to run to the corner store for something. When he headed out Alex said she wanted to go with him so he waited for her. Josh told me tonight that as they left the building and started down the street, Alex took his hand. Then he looked at me. Because Alex wanted to hold his hand.

Seriously? I mean, what the fuck? That's what I said to Josh because I can't deal with this. He really needs to unclench. We have lived together our whole lives. My little sister has been treated like a baby for her whole life. She still holds hands sometimes. This has to be okay with him. There is no other way to deal with it. He has to find a way to be okay with this. If he feels like he's a pervert or people are looking at him like he's one, then that's on him. He needs to get over it.

It's not reasonable to tell Alex she can't hold hands with people.

The Mommy stamp of approval

I rush around a lot. When I slow down, like that time when you're laying in bed waiting to calm down enough to fall asleep, in my head I tell my mom about my day and try to guess what she would say. Which things would make her laugh, what would make her ask more questions, what would make her give me her "what are you thinking?!" look.

It kills me that I'm not sure what her reactions would be and that I have to guess. I don't think she would like that I'm living with a boy. Or that Danielle and Alex are too. I do think she'd like Josh, though. I don't think she would like how un-social we are. My mom would like that Alex is serious about dance, but be sad that Danielle and I don't do dance or gymnastics anymore. She would like that we cook good food, her foods, but not that we don't really share, don't have people over for dinner.

She would really like that I'm in college, but not that I'm not doing the Typical College Experience. My mom also wouldn't like that I don't really teach my sisters anything I learn there. That I'm not really like .... doing college. I don't know how to explain it.

She would like that I sew. That Dani and Al can sew. That if I have to live with a boy, at least it's one who is willing to learn how to sew. But she wouldn't like that I don't have time to teach him.

Would kill me if she knew

If I weren't have sex I would be totally happy to not have gotten my period yet. I just like getting it as reassurance that I'm not pregnant. Danielle doesn't feel the same way. Every single person she knows (except our sister) has gotten their period except her. Last month she turned 15. Dani is beyond furious at her body lately even though I have reminded her a thousand times I didn't get mine until I was a few months past 15.

I researched it and it seems like the average is 12, but 15 is still inside some kind of normal range. The only thing it looks like doctors can do is put you on birth control and supposedly that induces periods? I am not sure what to do or if I should do anything.

Growing out of dinner

The thing with sisters - or maybe it's just my particular sisters - is they want to do everything together. If one of us doesn't want to go, it's enough to inspire the other two to not want to go either, and the whole plan falls apart. Sometimes it's great. You never have to do anything alone. Sometimes it's bad though because if something would be good for them and not me, if I don't go, then won't get the benefit of going because they want to stay with me.

I'm kind of over fire family dinners. For no reason, really. I just don't feel it anymore. Nobody tells me anything about Topher I don't know already. For a while hearing stories about what he was like at work hurt, and then for a long time it felt good like being wrapped in a verbal hug. Now it just makes me want him back.

I just don't want to go anymore.

10:21pm update: I went anyway. Don't know what was wrong with me this morning. Who else can walk into so many different homes and feel at home in almost all of them? It was a lot of fun. Was given a good recipe for meatballs. Got to play with a cat. Was taught how to use a fireplace. I'm really glad I went.

(Don't) ask Josh

My sisters are 15 and 12 and don't really need ... a lot. Sometimes Alex needs help with something that's heavy or too high for her to reach. Sometimes both of them need help with homework or want help with projects. Danielle can't wrap a present to save her life. One of the good things about living with a boyfriend is being able to tell my sisters to "Go ask Josh" when they need help.

And they do. And he doesn't mind. I know because he told me once. Plus he's told them. Like the time Danielle stood in front of me waiting until I could stop what I was doing to fasten her necklace for her, and Josh told her, "Hey, I'm sitting here too, ya know."

So in the little-over two months my sisters have gotten used to going to him if I'm not there or there but busy. Maybe this was a mistake. Maybe Josh got too comfortable? I don't know. I don't know what the explanation is for why, when Alex was given a bag of hand-me-downs, she pulled out sweatpants that say JUICY across the ass, she asked Josh if she could wear them, and he said yes.

Maybe he wasn't paying attention. Maybe Josh said yes because he says yes to everything they ask. Maybe he doesn't get why he should have said no. Or at least told Alex to ask me or Danielle, who would have told her she knows the answer was no.

Danielle called me this morning after I'd left for school asking if I knew what Alex wore. When she told me, I asked Danielle why she would LET Alex do that. You could hear her smirking through the phone as she explained, "Al didn't ask me."

Great, so now my little sister is prancing around the South Bronx in pants that say JUICY across her ass all day. Furious does not even begin to describe it. I don't even wear clothes that have words across the ass! Even if I owned pants like that I wouldn't wear them outside the house! I told Danielle that since she didn't stop Alex from doing something dangerous she has to be the one to cancel her after-school plans to get Alex from school, bring her to dance and then bring her home.

Sometimes I really hate being the oldest one.

World series, baby!

We all went to Josh's parent's house to watch the World Series on their huge-screen tv. It's fun to watch something happening in the Bronx, so close to where we lived. My friend Jenna called me and said the area was literally vibrating and it felt like the entire city was screaming through her windows.

Josh's mom ordered in deli food for dinner and we ate and screamed and cheered. Then we took a cab home.

Now my throat hurts, but I don't mind because we have a lot of deli food to eat tomorrow (and probably Friday too).

Maybe I need a third job?

My tutoring people keep canceling. Everyone has the flu. Swine or regular, it doesn't matter since they're too sick for me to come over. I am losing so many hours of tutoring over the last three weeks, it's insane.

I am thinking about taking a bartending course and then getting a couple of bartending shifts.

Alex keeps being shocked to see me show up at her dance place after school, because all my work died that day.

Horrified

Dani came home almost in tears. She was on the train standing near a tourist couple who were sitting down. The husband wanted the wife to go up to the front to ask a question. The wife was scared she'd fall trying to stand and walk while the train was moving.

Danielle said the man looked at his wife with total venom and snapped, ""Phyllis, are you an engineer? Exactly. You're not an engineer, you never know anything because you are stupid, but you keep sticking your nose into things you know nothing about. Keep your mouth shut and just go find out for me."

How does anyone put up with being talked to like that from someone who is supposed to be an equal? If Josh ever said that to me I'd pack up my sisters and be out of here so fast his head would spin. How does anyone come to think they have the right to talk to someone that way? Isn't he so embarrassed to be caught being such an asshole in public?

Our dog

Me and my sisters have wanted a dog forever. When we used to sleep in the same room, our favorite conversations were about our future dog. What breed, what we'd name it, what we'd teach it to do. This has been like our lifelong goal. We have always planned that when we moved out of Aunt Elaine's that would be when we would get the dog.

Well we moved out. Josh likes dogs. We have enough space for a little dog. Nobody is allergic.

Yeah we're not getting a dog. There is no time to take care of it! I am busy with school and work and work and sisters and boyfriend. Josh is busy with school and friends and me. Alex is busy with school and dance. Danielle is busy with school and work and her school is really hard. We have no time. I am so crushed.

Smooth

My sisters and I love when Josh goes home to his parents. Not only because it's nice to get a break from having a boy around, but also because he always comes back with something random he's stolen from their home. Crock pot? Sure, we'll use one! Blender? Sure, we like smoothies!

Sometimes Josh bring us funny things, like vitamins, an umbrella, or a couple of rolls of paper towel. He kind of goes shopping in their house. I'm not sure if they know. Should I be sending a thank you note? Should I hide things when they come over?